Tag Archives: boys

A Letter to 4-year-old Princess About Boys


Dear Princess,

There is a whole agenda out there which promises to let you know all about boys and what they want in girls. That paradigm, which seems to have infiltrated everything, has been set forth solely by folks who want your money. More accurately, for at least the next 14 years or so, they’re looking to help you spend money that actually belongs to Daddy and I.

So, I feel it is my duty to set straight a couple of myths that they are perpetrating.

Myth # 1. You will need a boy in your life. Nope, not true. Perhaps someday you will want a boy in your life. But since social norms have changed to where women can own property, and earn a wage and such, you will never NEED a boy in your life. In fact, boys seem to need girls more than girls need boys. Have you ever heard of a man having a face that launches a thousand ships? Seen a woman schlep all her servants around trying to find a man who fits a certain shoe because he was such a good dancer she HAS to marry him? Me neither.

So even though you don’t need a boy, you may decide you’d enjoy having one around. It’s important that you not buy into these next three myths.

Myth # 2. Boys know what they want in a girl. They have no idea. I made the mistake of asking a boy what he liked about me once. It didn’t end well (it wasn’t daddy, obviously.). Two of the world’s greatest love songs also support boys’ lack of understanding what they like about girls they like: “Whatever It Is” by Zac Brown Band and “Something In The Way,” by James Taylor. Both songs are about how head-over-heels-in-love boys haven’t the slightest clue why they are in love. This should be enough reason not to worry about what boys want, but I’ll continue on because these last two myths are so heavily publicized.

Myth # 3. Boys only like girls who are skinny and a certain kind of pretty. I haven’t been able to research this in it’s entirety, but I think it is a distortion of boys’ desire to avoid girls who are unhappy. Girls who are unhappy can be complicated, something boys seem to want to avoid. Avoiding girls who are unhappy may sound easy, but girls (including Mommy) can be fickle about communicating their happiness level. You may have heard the following conversation a time or two:

Daddy says: “what’s wrong? You seem upset.”
Mommy says: “nothing’s wrong. I’m FINE,” then storms off muttering about how Daddy should know exactly what’s wrong…grumble…grumble…

So, since a boy can never just ask a girl if she’s happy, he had to look for other clues.

Boys began to notice that girls who undertook certain behaviors were happier. These behaviors included playing sports, hiking, reading, boating, playing music and feeling pretty and such. Now, the musicians and readers were hard to pick out. But athletes generally had a certain physique. Girls who put effort into what made them feel pretty also were easy to spot. (Side note here: humans are very visual and the world is a beautiful place. Girls enjoy feeling beautiful in their own ways. For some it’s makeup and expensive clothes, for some it’s just a dress and a flower in their hair, for others it’s a pair of hiking boots and the sparkle of a little sweat on their brow.) Of course, since it’s tough to sell physical activity or that pretty feeling, corporations now try to convince you that boys like skinny girls who are a certain kind of pretty so they can sell you makeup, hairspray, weight loss formulas, and other junk you don’t need. They even increase their profit margins on clothing because smaller sizes use less fabric (see the next myth busted.)

This myth is especially awful because it means girls spend so much time and so much of their parents’ money on getting skinny and what people tell them is pretty that they don’t have any time left to do the things that would actually make them happy. This myth is also unfair to the boys because the boys then approach girls who they assume are happy because they seem fit and beautified. Then they find out the girls are the opposite of happy because all they seem to care about is finding a boy. And if there is one kind of girl a boy knows will never be happy or easy to be around, it’s a girl who spends her time trying to get a boy in her life.

Myth # 4. Boys like girls who wear hardly any clothes. This myth is just stupid. Anyone who can’t see through this corporate plan to sell clothes made with less fabric is just silly. I mean, why would a company use more fabric when they can convince you to spend the same money on one that uses less?

I picture an old white guy in huge, expensive office buzzing in an intern, who, in my mind, has a voice like Carl from “Phineas and Ferb.” So let’s call him Carl.

Old rich guy: “Carl get in here, quick, it’s an emergency.”
Carl enters, “yes sir, what is it?”
ORG: “my wife just called. She wants a tennis court at our villa in Italy. She loves tennis, and isn’t happy unless she plays. You know I can’t spend my Italian vacations miserable because she’s unhappy. We’re going to have to cut corners somewhere. Why is our bill for fabric in the juniors department so high?”
Carl: “sir, they’re currently manufacturing the winter clothing line. Items like long pants require more fabric.”
ORG: “call marketing. We need a new advertising campaign that pushes winter short shorts. Pant legs are too expensive to make.”
Carl: “yes sir! Brilliant idea! Right up there with your plan to only make three-quarter-length sleeves!”

Whether it is dresses, underwear, swimsuits, shorts, or whatever, dear daughter, don’t let them “sell you short.” Perhaps that’s where that phrase comes from. Okay, probably not, but you deserve more fabric for mommy and daddy’s hard-earned money! Don’t stand for anything less!

I think that should get you off to a good start in understanding the truth about the male gender. In summary, you don’t need boys, they’re clueless, they won’t be interested unless you’re interested in making yourself happy, and you should never buy into the clothing manufacturer’s desire to use less fabric.


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